So now you’ve decided to separate – what do you tell the children? Parents often find that telling their children they are separating is one of the hardest parts of the separation process. 

Children should be told that their parents are going through a separation (most kids will know something is going on anyway!). But children do not need to know the details of why you are separating – this is between you and your partner and shouldn’t involve them. 

When talking to your children about separation, keep it simple! Make sure they are reassured that both parents love them and will continue to love them. Keep discussions focused on what will happen in the future; let them know what the future parenting arrangements will likely be and that it will make things better for everyone. 

You know your children best and understand how they will likely react to the news of the separation. The following are some simple DOs and DON’Ts that might help you plan what you will tell your kids:

DO:

• Keep it simple
• Rehearse and plan what you are going to say
• Tell the truth (at an age appropriate level for your kids!)
• Tell them they are loved
• Be civil when you are talking with, or about, the other parent in front of the kids
• Focus on the future
• Help the children be able to love both their parents and continue their relationship with both of you
• Reassure the kids that your separation is not their fault

DONT:

• Criticise the other parent in front of the children
• Ask the children to become your spies, reporting what the other parent says or does. Let the children be free to enjoy their time with the other parent.  
• Get the children to relay messages to the other parent for you (this only teaches children that adults can’t communicate)
• Become a “Disneyland Dad” or “Money Mum” – constant presents and outings should not replace good parenting which is what your children really need right now
• “Dad won’t let us stay in the house and is making me sell it” – Involving your children in your separation issues puts pressure on your children to take sides which is stressful for them (and may actually backfire against you).

If you think that counselling might be of help to either you or your children during this time, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us to speak to one of our qualified counsellors.